Introducing Mega-Mum & Her Competitive Christmas Crafts.

‘Make a lantern from recycled materials; from bits and pieces you’ve got lying around at home’, they said. ‘It can even be a simple, paper lantern. Dead easy’, they said. Guidelines which were clearly ignored by Mega-Mum. For her festive lantern wouldn’t look out of place hanging from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Cobbled together from tomato soup tins and toilet roll tubes, my arse!

If you’re a parent, you’ll be familiar with Mega-Mum and her polished, perfected parenting. Stand too close to Mega-Mum and you’ll feel like Orphan Annie before Daddy Warbucks gave her a bath and a nice dress.

Mega-Mum always work full-time and has done since her younglings were days old, a fact, she will repeatedly remind you of, usually during competition judging. Likewise, she can often be heard scoffing at any new mum who wimped-out during childbirth and succumbed to an epidural: ‘Labour? It’s a bit like tooth-ache, isn’t it?’ Mega-Mum peeled potatoes AND parsnips during delivery, whilst using her toes to sew personalised Christmas stockings for all the children of Great Ormond Street.

For this high-achieving alpha female, choosing not to send your new-born to nursery is an insult to Emmeline Pankhurst and the entire feminist sisterhood.  Scratch that, not returning to work immediately is a disservice to women worldwide. As, after all, having babies whilst scaling the career ladder and simultaneously maintaining a perfect home/car/coat/hairstyle/marriage/sex-life, is easily achievable. To carry-off such activities with aplomb is not admirable. It’s bloody annoying.

To apply such perfection and discipline to the crafting of a child’s Christmas lantern is unfair. I do not believe the PTA poster mentioned the competition being for ‘Parents Only’; an opportunity to showcase unbeatable talents and outdo the other, less-organised and skilful parents.

Whether it’s Christmas lanterns, hats or cakes; Easter bonnets; or fancy-dress, the competition entrants are supposed to be of school age. Not the Mega-Mums with some perverse point to prove. And know this, Mega-Mum, you cannot compensate for your absenteeism with an elaborately decorated lantern. Oh no. We can all see through that.

My children crafted their unrecognisable ‘snow-men’ lanterns from two milk cartons and coloured-in card from a Shreddies box. Yep, we followed the simple guidelines; we understood the ‘recycled materials’ criteria.

They’re not going to win. Your ‘child’s’ bloody ruby-encrusted Harrods-worthy lantern is going to win. Again.  And whilst you sit and admire another creation worthy of the Turner prize and enjoy your bumper supply of Chocolate Buttons, spare a thought for those poor, unfortunate souls who spent hours sticking unstickable cotton-wool to plastic bottles!

Unless, of course, you didn’t win this year, because, perhaps, your lantern was misplaced, or, possibly sabotaged with knitting-needles?

You have been warned!
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Keep Calm and Carry On Linking Sunday
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28 Comments Add yours

  1. Lisa V says:

    Ha ha! So true! You can see it in the parents, er, uh, kid’s school projects and science fair entries. My kid’s never look as good as “that” parent’s, but I know they did it themselves. And I think, secretly, the teachers know too. Next time throw some rubies on there..maybe that will distract the judges! LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Annie says:

      There should be a ‘ps’ on my post, as my two were awarded ‘highly commended’ status. Although, Mega-Mum’s kid did take first effing prize!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lisa V says:

        Gee, what a surprise! LOL Congrats to your two, though! Good job!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Annie says:

        Thank you! xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Coombe Mill says:

    This made me smile! the funny thing is now my kids are grown up I rather enjoy crafts with the children who stay here but I found it all a bit of an ordeal when forced to help the kids make something for school. #justanotherlinky

    Like

    1. Annie says:

      I like it too, mostly! Tis hard not to get competitive, though!!
      Thanks lots for reading & for your comment. xx

      Like

  3. Haha so true. Love it! Thanks for linking up to #justanotherlinky xx

    Like

    1. Annie says:

      Thank you!. x

      Like

  4. Hahaha great post…kinda reminds me of my mummy (eeeeek) she’s a bit of a perfectionist, works full time and loves crafting… 😉 #JustAnotherLinky

    Like

  5. Annie says:

    Aha, oh no! Well, tell your mummy, I’ve nothing against full-time working, crafting perfectionists, per se. Not unless their creations scoop top prize in ALL the school competitions! 😉
    xx

    Like

  6. reimerandruby says:

    Lovely post! I’m not really a competitive mummy, in terms of school crafts/projects, I just let my son do it with a little help of course but not to aim to be the best or win.. as long as he learned something from it, that’s the main thing. #KCACOLS

    Like

    1. Annie says:

      You’re right. And yes, such things don’t really matter if the younglings have enjoyed themselves. xx

      Like

  7. Becky Pink says:

    Ha ha we’ve all met them. Sounds like she needs to hear ‘it’s the taking part that counts’! Becky x #KCACOLS

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Robyn says:

    Interesting read from the perspective of a mother to a one year old. Will I be a mega-mum? I doubt it! But I do suspect I’ll think everything my kid does is The Best and write off any difference in opinion (in the form of lack of awards) to the influence of another mega-mum!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Annie says:

      Ha ha, yes, good plan!! Although, as schools often award prizes for EVERYONE, the Mega-Mum’s achievements are diminished. xx

      Like

  9. I am so happy that my daughters are all grown up and I no longer have to put up with any of this. I hope your knitting needles are already stashed in your handbag!

    Like

    1. Annie says:

      Knitting needles? Wasn’t me!
      Thanks lots for reading & for your comment. xx

      Like

  10. Hehe, loved this! I definitely know a few mega-mums – I’m just like, well, she’s fed, watered and not still wearing pyjamas. What more can you ask for? 😉 #KCACOLS

    Like

    1. Annie says:

      Ha ha, quite! Although I can’t guarantee she’s not wearing yesterday’s pants or that her face has been washed! xx

      Like

  11. Oh how I would have loved to have read this during all the holiday season of school mom competitors. Why must we compete? We are all just mothers rowing in the same boat 💌Trista

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Annie says:

      Hmm, not sure. Might be some biological, survival of the fittest thing!!
      Thanks for your lovely comment. x

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Soooo true! Haha I giggled reading this #KCACOLS

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Annie says:

      Thank you! 🙂

      Like

  13. Oh I know what you mean!! I hate those super mega-mums!!! Or maybe should I say, I’m jealous? Not sure yet!! lol Crafting is not my thing so my girls will never have the best crafting project to present at school unless they happen to be super talented and manage to do these projects on their own or if daddy who actually is very good at crafting will have the time to sit down and help them! I guess there will always be those perfect mums!! Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. As you know I have taken a little break from blogging but #KCACOLS will be back next Saturday 9th January so I would love to see you again!! I hope you had a great Xmas! Happy New Year lovely!! 🙂 xx
    P.S: I couldn’t find my badge, 😦

    Like

    1. Annie says:

      Oh noooo! Not again. I’m really not sure why. I definitely add the badges. Am confused. Off to investigate. Sorry, Franca. xx
      (And thanks for reading.x)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You put the badge in the other post though! Maybe that is why you are confused! Not worries! Xx

        Like

      2. Annie says:

        Blame Christmas! My brain is full of chocolate! All sorted. x

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I agree!! Let’s blame Xmas!! My brain was full of chocolate too!! Lol And thank you so much for sorting it out!! Have a great week, Xx

        Liked by 1 person

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